Home > Uncategorized > Another page in my family history

Another page in my family history

Time isn’t like boiling water. It still flies away, even if you watch it.

My daughter is about to start high school. She is way to pretty for my sanity. Guns don’t kill people, fathers with pretty daughters kill people.

My littlest is starting kindergarten and the next one is starting second grade. The house will be empty all day, every day. I am excited and yet I also recognize this mile marker as the one way ride that it is. Our last first day of school. The rest of the first days are just another year. This is the last real first day we will get.

My oldest, my first-born, my heir.

Yeah, him. He starts college. We will be moving him to school next week. With fresh towels and sheets, his own grill and a deep hope that he will get his butt up and get to class on time every day.

I feel old. Plain and simple. I am watching time go by and wanting to grab it by the tail to hold it in place.

But I can’t.

L. E. White


The pain is coming back. A low humming that is felt behind the ears. Too bad it won’t stop there.

Soon, it can be felt across the back of my head. Like the band that holds your earphones together for those big, noise cancelling headsets, the kind that radio people wear. The band is complete but not across the top of your head, instead it runs around the back, connecting your ears.

Once it is there, the pain starts to move up, a slow, crawling sensation that hurts as it goes. A trail of pain that covers your scalp is left in its passing, kind of like the slime that a slug leaves if it crawls across your windshield. I can’t even comb my hair without feeling like I am pulling it out. Every now and then, I look down at the comb to be sure.

It takes days for this to reach its end. I always fight against it, trying not to let it get to me but I also know better than to believe that I will be able to resist. I know that the pain will continue to crawl over me until it gets behind my eyes. No medicine has ever helped, even though I have taken them all. I know that is when it will hurt the worst and I know, I know, I know that that is the time when my mind will go blank. That is when I will disappear and that is when I will sleep.

I will sleep for a day or two. I won’t remember anything. I will wake up thirsty and hungry. I will come to and I won’t know where I am, only that I have to go to the bathroom so bad that I will stumble and pray I don’t have an accident on the way to the closest toilet.

That is also when I will see myself in the mirror. Unshaven, unkempt and blood covered.

I have never yet managed to remember who the blood came from, but I know I won’t be hurt. There will be no wounds, and for a few days, there will be no pain.

Then, the pain will come back, and this will all happen again.


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